It's been a long time since I have wrote a blog, or even done a podcast episode, eleven months to be exact. There is a lot of reasons why this is the case, but it's never been because I didn't want too, or didn't have the desire too. The want too has never changed, and is as strong now as it has ever been. I wanted to take a moment and discuss the main reason why I have taken such a long break from it all. The fact is, for me personally, I found myself mentally and physically worn out.
The podcast was going great, and I was receiving some real good positive feedback from it. I was so excited to be doing it, and looking forward to the future of what it would bring. However, with each episode, I started noticing more and more that it was becoming a struggle to put out the content. I started wondering what was wrong with me, because as I mentioned already, I wanted to do the podcast, so what was the problem. I realized that the problem I was having was it was becoming difficult for me to tell the story, while the story was still going on. I found myself trying to discuss past events, but my mind kept wanting to focus on present events, so there was a mental struggle going on that I knew I had to fix. This struggle was something that was keeping me from giving my best to the podcast, therefore I wasn't providing the best content that needed to be provided. It was evident that I needed to take a step back, work on myself, and get to a better place where I could handle everything going on, but still provide the best content for the podcast, and more importantly the cause. I honestly did not expect the break to be as long as it was, but life for sure didn't slow down for us, and many challenges have presented itself to my family over the last year, so I do know it was a smart move in taking the break that I took. I know some may wonder, if things have been even more challenging over the last year, then how am I sure I can continue what I started a year ago with the podcast, and that's a good question to ask. However, I have really focused on myself a lot over the last year physically and mentally. I feel with all that work, I am in a place where I can handle life in general, and still give my best effort with the podcast. I have found with the first couple of episodes I have recorded recently, that my mind is in a good enough place to do just that.
I know, in today's society, its rare to hear a male talk about struggling mentally and physically but the truth is truth, and there's no reason to deny it. I personally do not agree with the stigma that society has for how a dad or husband should be during difficult times for his family. I use too, but living in the world of childhood cancer, will quickly show you that it's not possible to walk around like the tin man, nor is it healthy for you or your family, for you to do that. One way I have got stronger, mentally, is by doing just the opposite, letting my emotions show, and sharing them with my wife and kids. I personally think by doing so, I am stronger now, than I ever would be, trying to be the "strong one" all the time, acting like nothing affects me. Now that's not saying dads or husbands are wrong for walking around like nothing is wrong, I have just found during our challenges, trials and tribulations, that mentality just wears me completely out. You will hear me say it a lot throughout my podcast episodes, and blogs, but I choose to accept brokenness. It's the brokenness, and the acceptance of it, that has brought me to a stronger place mentally, and put me in a place to handle things a lot better going forward. It's not something that is easy to accept, and it takes some work, but the reward is far greater. Your family will benefit from it and you will as well. There's no question the battles will still come, and the struggle will be real, but accepting brokenness, really only helps you realize what you really need to get through.