Life inside childhood cancer definitely has its ups and downs. One thing that proves true for me is the roller coaster of a ride that I have been on with my faith during this journey. I am by no means, a perfect example of a Christian, but I do believe in God, and my faith is solely in him. Childhood cancer is something, as my good friend John Halter has said, that really test "everything that you believed to be truth." This journey is one that will test your faith more than anything I have ever experienced. Your emotions, your thoughts, and even your actions go from one extreme to the next, and honestly with everything that goes on, it’s completely understandable. For me, one thing that’s been challenged the most is my faith in God. I have had my share of shouting matches with God(notice it says with and not at God), a good amount of tears while crying out to Him for understanding, strength, guidance and also have found myself in a state of gratefulness, feeling blessed, in complete trust He is going to protect my family. I’m not going to debate it, but for me, I believe God understands this and my proof lies, in the fact that even when I’ve been angry with him, when I call upon Him, he’s still there. I don’t need any more proof than that!
Now I know some will read this that doesn’t have a believe in God, and I’m not here to convince you otherwise, but even with some of the darkness moments we’ve had on this journey, I know without a shadow of a doubt, we are only standing because God has His hands around us, watching over us. There is absolutely no other answer as to why we are. However, I get it, if you are one on this journey and because you are on it, you feel God has abandoned you. I wish I could give you the answer of why this is happening but I have yet to figure out the why in our own situation. I am not the best at it myself, but God’s Word says “lean not on your own understanding” and I try to commit to that daily.
The truth is faith is something that’s supposed to be tested, for if it wasn’t, how would you know you actually have faith. If I could give you any advice at all, it would be, that if you are a person of faith, God never promised there wouldn’t be storms, or you wouldn’t have to stand in the fire. No you will not find that in His Word, but what you will find, is God promises He will be right by your side in that storm, or while you stand in the fire. We have watched our son battle cancer for over seven years, and something I try to hang onto, is as easily as I could turn that into a negative, questioning God why it’s been going on so long, I can just as easily look at God and thank Him that we been able to watch our son grow up for seven years while battling cancer. We know parents who don't have that privilege and would take our situation in a heartbeat, if it meant having their child back. Just like a lot of things in life, it’s all how you want to look at it, that will determine your state of mind during the storm. Like I said earlier, there have been and will be times, I will struggle with my faith during this battle, but in the end, no matter the ups and downs, I know God remains the same.
The following is two poems I wrote, and kind of gives you an idea of the internal battle I have had, while on this journey:
ANGRY FATHER
You say that you’ll never put more on us than we can handle
If I’m being honest, over the last several years for my family, those types of promises seem more like a scandal
And yes I know we aren’t meant to know all that is or will be
However, I don’t think it’s too much to ask why is or why him specifically
It sure would make things a little easier to deal with down here
Knowing the purpose of it all that’s happened to our son, year after year
It’s not right, it’s not fair, he deserves a better path
Are you there God? Are you even listening to me?
Here I am God, screaming your name, give it to me instead, and let me endure the sickness and its wrath
You can’t take our son away, don’t you dare
And yes I know there’s no sickness, no pain in heaven
But the thought of us here and him there
I’m afraid will be too much for us to bare
A parent should never have to bury their child, and if you are the understanding God you say you are, surely you agree
One last time, I’m begging, pleading, crying out that you will take this from our boy, so he can live his life out, like he should, with his family
Please God....Please
ONLY GOD KNOWS WHY
I’ve seen heartaches, sickness, and death over the last seven years
I’ve felt broken more times than I can count, definitely released thousands of tears
Question after question have filled my mind
Knowing most of them, no matter how hard I search, the answers I will not find
This battle has not been easy, depending on the day
And even though I may not always show it, I’ve trusted you, every step of the way
Several may say that’s crazy, wondering how in the world I could, with all we’ve been through
Even while I write this, I can see why they think the way they do
But when it’s all said and done, I’ve searched long and hard during this time
Trying to find peace and strength for this heart of mine
However nothing I found seemed to work, except for the moments when I turn it over to you
Our situation and the unknowns are still out there with our son
But I know in my heart, you got us, and walk with us, until this is done
God, you and I have had our ups and downs, there’s no doubt
And no matter how many times my heart has been filled with anger and despair
You never fail, I look up, and you are always still there
It’s your Will, not ours, and yes I’ve questioned it, but deep down I understand
All I’m asking is for you to continue to watch over us, walking with us, daily through this battle hand in hand
CancerDad
