Feb. 24, 2022

Are you a bad person for being jealous?

    I have discussed on numerous episodes a variety of different emotions that I have experienced throughout this journey.  There's one, though, that I haven't really touched on, mainly because I don't know how people will take it, but I also think it's one that exist, so I feel like discussing it.  My most recent episode, you have us, really starting to feel like we are getting to the end of this journey, with our son, and options to get him in remission, are running out.  It's around this time of our journey that I start dealing with a feeling, that I really had not noticed, up to this point.  I could feel a sense of jealousy starting to creep up inside of me, and I absolutely hated that it was.

     This jealously I was feeling, was in no way, meaning that I was mad seeing other kids going into remission, because I truly am happy for those children and their families.  However, I feel like it was creeping up on me, more so, because, it's just so hard to understand why everything they done worked, but nothing was working for our child.  I know every child is different, and obviously, outcomes vary with each child.  However, it doesn't change the fact, that we as parents, long for the idea of every child getting in remission, and living a long life.  I was sitting in clinic the other day, when I heard a loud dong, and I knew that was the sound of a child completing their treatments and in remission.  I immediately got into my feelings, as I watched our son laying on the bed, and wishing that was him ringing the bell.  

     We have many friends who have seen their child get to remission, and are doing well, but we also have friends who have seen their child gain their angel wings way too soon, so we have seen firsthand both sides of this.  I can't help but feel like, I am surely not the only one that has dealt with this feeling, but because of how it may come off, no one really speaks of it, out loud, anyways.  So I ask myself, am I a bad person for having that feeling?  My answer is no, because I don't think it's wrong, for me to wish it was my child ringing that bell also.  I mean, what parent wouldn't wish for that?  It doesn't cause me to despise those that have rang the bell, as mentioned above, it's a blessing to see those that are able too, and I couldn't be happier for those families, but it still doesn't change the fact that there is a little jealousy, deep down inside of me.  However, I assume, also, that parents who have children deal with the other side of the coin, with their child ringing the bell, and knowing others who are still battling, or even knowing those that have seen their child gain their angel wings too soon.  I guess it's a two headed monster, but I don't think either way makes you a bad person, you just simply one the best outcome for your child and all the others battling this awful disease.  You may not agree with my thoughts, but I know we all can agree that we hope there comes a day, when there is a way for all to receive the best outcome. They all deserve it!